Jude Smith

Yesterday we had some prayers read in morning worship: one of them really struck me. There are only two feelings. Love and fear. There are only two languages. Love and fear. There are only two motives, two procedures, two frameworks, two results. Love and fear. Love and fear. Love and fear. I have no doubt that life is more complex than this most of the time. I am the kind of person who has a plethora of emotions and thoughts going on, but this has really made me think. If I allow myself to simplify- it does come down to this. How will I act- out of love, or out of fear? Will I reach out and risk getting my hand slapped, or worse, getting rejected? Or will I live out of the fear and never reach beyond myself? Will I serve, without thought to reward, or will I fear burn out and doormat status? Will I risk? Or live the safest of existences whilst rueing the life I never lived? Two things: love or fear. I have a choice. Today I choose love.

I drove back from Guildford today blinking slightly as I listened to Barack Obama make his inaugural address. What to say? Well it was measured. Some people have been critical that it wasn't emotional enough: but for me that is important. Its part of the call to 'put away childish things'- a call for a nation and for a politician. Now is not a moment for histrionics but for action and that is what he has promised. The resonances were all there: children of all races across the mall, our children's children, hilltops were there too. The cadence was unmistakeably King. As for policy- well there are a few things going on, I think foreign policy will get a shake down, I think new green energy bills will be proposed (the equivalent of FDR's New Deal dams?). They may get held up in Senate, but will get there eventually. Will think a wee bit more and maybe say more later.

.. is a question that I ask myself a lot! Its the West Wing influence but also my desire to live in the not quite yet. BUT: the not quite yet is coming closer and as long as I don't do anything too outrageous between now and June I will be getting ordained. Which is where the news bit kicks in. I can now announce (well tell any of you who don't know) that I will be heading to Leeds to serve my curacy. I am going to be the assistant curate of Beeston Team Parish with pioneer minister in Cottingley. Let me de-jargon. I will be working with St Mary's Beeston, as well as pioneering some work in the housing estate of Cottingley. Which is where I will be living. So- there we go. I'm pretty excited (on the days when I don't think its all a dream and that I will wake up with the Church of England pointing and laughing going 'you a priest, yeah right'). The job is right up my street, could be very fun! More soon..

Occasionally I forget things. Some stuff like birthdays, names and stuff is a normal human thing, and I don't sweat it so much. But I also forget some other stuff which is not so good. I forget what I enjoy. I don't know how it happens but it does from time to time. And its at these moments that I need a bit of help remembering. So- this is a request for help. What do I enjoy doing? What gives me joy? Leave me a comment.

I went swimming this morning! Myself and another hardy comrade got our rears out of bed and left home at 7am.. In the pool by 7.15. Thats the impressive bit. The rest is less impressive, but in a spirit of openness I will share some insight. 1 Swimming may help asthma long term. It doesn't help when you are aready having asthma issues. You may feel like you will die. 2 Caffeine is an aid to co-ordination. Without caffeine it will take three times as long to do anything. 3 When you put your underwear in a hnady side pocket so you will remember where it is.. you won't. You will panic for a few moments until you remember. This may not be the case if you have had caffeine (see point 2) 4 Old people swim fast. You have to make your peace with that. 5 Hair takes longer to dry after swimming than after just washing. 6 The self righteous glow wears off after hacking your way through chapel. But it was fun. I will go again. No really I will.. Honest.. even if its just to have ...

First post of 2009. Interesting circumstances.. 4.53am.. very cold.. maybe a bit sick but mainly just cold. And I'm inside.. In the West Country. Sparing a feeble prayer for many who are outside.. in the East and North.. Lots going on in my head just now. Beginning to think about my new job.. (details soon). Beginning to think about what will sustain me in the long term. More close, thinking about Gaza. More selfish thinking about the new series of ER. Reflecting. On last year. On where its all come to. Just watched the Campus America trailer.. remembering the nights of prayer. The buzz, the presence, the energy, the expectant hope of God. Did I get old? But mainly I'm cold.. So I'm heading further under the duvet..